People Profiles

Here is a run down of the people who were at the same company as me.

Belgium Dude: my BFF4L is back in Belgiumland with a job and just being awesome. We did have a 3 hour facetime call last week and had a massive catch up. He’s off to CUBA in the summer (toatz jelly). UPDATE: he is coming to see me in Spain.

Portuguese Dude: my partner in crime. Currently on the same apprenticeship scheme as me, possibly gay, does a brilliant illegal Portuguese maid impression. Amazing one liners.

Nice Portuguese Sales Lady: she had been at the company for 15 years and could either be nice or horrible. She was mostly nice to me. (thank god!)

Horrible Portuguese Sales Lady: never nice, horrible to everyone, randomly grabs your shoulders, possible murderer, hums coronation theme tune.

Smelly/Dandruff IT Dude: never used deodorant, ever. Also his seat was covered in a layer of dandruff, long nails.

No chin Lady: worked in contracting, lookalike – Edna from the Incredibles, no chin just a neck, 9.5 years service, hit by a moped in first year at company, good american accent.

Dave: real name not Dave, was called it in an email, apparently knows everything, lookalike – Penfold.

Data Dudette: other friend, 24, been at the company since school, learning to drive, no qualifications.

My Manager: hungarian, short, some stuff lost in translation, generally cool.

HR: susan boyle lookalike, yelled at me (need a whole post dedicated to that),horrible.

Tiny M: IT apprentice, weird, was fired.

IT apprentice replacement: generally ok.

GM: general manager, fired, man boobs, needs a bra.

C-lady: other friend, loud, nice, large.

Shoulder: her last name reminded me of shoulder, too much make up, eyebrows drawn on.

Russian lady: epic, slightly scary, ex-nuclear physicist, likes me.

Accounts Lday: horrible, half giant, horrible

Accounts Ledger: fired, weird, no friends, like an old obnoxious lady in a 20 year old’s head, engaged, was at my high school.

Accounts Apprentice 1: gay, nice, at my high school (year above me)

Accounts Apprentice 2: girlfriend went to my high school, crazy as fudge blue eyes.

Accounts Interim: dude was a  bit weird.

Accounts Senior: horrible.

Head Dude: gross nose hair, random cough, thinks social media sucks, stuck in the 70’s.

Redundancy at its finest

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I have been working at this un-named company for a year now. (I know that is such a long time!) It feels like only yesterday was my first day, where I would eat my lunch at my desk and be antisocial in general. On Friday I was made redundant. Literally everyone was made redundant. The company went kaput and got bought out by the biggest competitor.

My contract officially ended in January and I kept on talking to my Manager and HR about what was happening. I hadn’t had my months notice about them getting rid of me, hell, I hadn’t even been told they were keeping me on. For a month I was floating around in limbo. I was constantly sending emails, asking to have a meeting, anything to find out what was happening. I just kept on turning up every day. That was probably a mistake on my side. I should of just staged a revolution, stolen the computer and walked out.

It wasn’t until Friday when the whole company (40 odd people) were sat down in the big main office area for a big “talk”.The head of the company then proceeded to tell us that he had sold the company, he was retiring in 1 on his 3 mansions, and we were all jobless. Pretty much everyone was crying. I wasn’t. I sort of expected it. I felt so sorry for the people with mortgages, children and the ones who had been there 20 odd years.

I went and cleared my desk in record speed. I pretty much threw absolutely everything in the bin. It was actually quite fun. Tearing up paper throwing it around, not caring that I had left a yoghurt in the fridge to go mouldy. I emptied my snack drawer (I had a surprisingly large amount of food, two Tesco bag’s to be exact) and snuck down to the basement. Once I was in said basement, I may or may not have stolen a handful of USB’s and shoved them up my jumper sleeve.

Portuguese Dude (aka my partner in crime) was absolutely livid, he was tearing up paper like he was ripping off someone’s head. It was quite gruesome. He had one week to finish his apprenticeship (the same one as me, except I finished a month ago) and it was one week until payday. We had some talk from some fat redundancy lawyer who basically said you will only get paid a weeks worth of wages, if at all.

I then went into the main office and braved the possibility of infectious diseases and hugged some people I never thought I would. I admit I didn’t mind hugging my friends and it was slightly weird when Accounts dude embraced me but it wasn’t as bad as when the Head Dude of the company cornered me. I was planning my escape, laden down with three plants (one stolen from my little office, one I got around Christmas time and one gifted by the lovely Portuguese Sales Lady – not the horrible one), two bags of food, my backpack stuffed with stationary from the stationary cupboard, another plastic bag filled with CV’s and knitting patterns which I had been printing off since 9am that morning (free ink, why not?) and my sleeves filled with branded USB’s.  He got up close and wrapped his arms around me, after I tried ducking around him twice trying to get out of the door.

When he finally released me and said “Good luck” I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD towards the bus stop. (I managed to get the earlyish one home) I got pity stares from an old lady on the bus. It was quite obvious I had been made to clear out my desk. It got worse though because I was taking up two seats with all of my crap and then this disabled woman got on. To my great horror I realised I was in the seat where if a disabled person gets on you have to vacate said seat. I was panicking and clutching my various bags. Luckily the bus was empty and she went a few rows behind me but not after death staring me.

bus stop life

bus stop life

It hasn’t really sunk in yet that I don’t have a job, it feels like this past year hasn’t really happened.

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Portuguese Dude leaving rude images while I’m out at lunch

Over Yonder

I think it was either yesterday, or the day before…I was walking to College and was minding my own business when I spotted something out the corner of my eye. I stopped, pivoted (rather gracefully, considering I have no coordination) and saw a man asleep on the pavement. Well, he was either asleep, unconscious or dead. Either way he looked rather peaceful. I decided to take a sneaky photograph, this failed. It ended up being a blurred photo of the ground. A man across the street was staring at me so I couldn’t take a second shot.

In College, two guys got kicked off the course because they hadn’t got work placements. Today two other lads find out which one is staying on the course and which is getting chucked off. Its a toss up between my only friend and the really chavvy horrible guy who has a pregnant ex-girlfriend. I hope my friend gets the placement. I don’t want to be alone. I’m so shy, its taken me at least a couple months to be his friend. And even then I’m to lazy to hang out with him outside college (and he hasn’t brought hanging out up, so I am not going to)

I walked home from College, to help with my fitness kick. I power walked all the way home which was basically up hill the entire way. It took me a good forty-five minutes and I walked through the dodgy area, praying that I wouldn’t get stabbed.

I noticed a half eaten chicken leg on the ground as I was walking, but because it was only one chicken leg I didn’t really think much of it. Then, when it came to the twelfth chicken leg, I began taking it more seriously. There were sixteen half eaten chicken legs.

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I also notice some kids passport picture.

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This also happened.

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I have completed a whole week now at my work placement. I am a Marketing Apprentice, despite putting my name down for Web Design. And I am so freaking happy that the Apprentice company chose this interview for me, because I love it.

My boss said I smashed my interview. Ten points to Slytherin. HELL YES.

I’ve spent all week proof-reading Russian emails, which in a sense helps with my trilogy because it involves Russia and the bad dude is Russian. And, I spend all day researching different countries because it is a travel company (there are 5 different websites, including: a lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender one, an american one for millionaires – someone booked a trip costing $100,000 and then cancelled it and didn’t want a refund, a company which deals with UK tours, one which deals with Scotland, etc) I have spent my time researching Italy, Turkey, Greece, France and Croatia for which I am going to write all the holiday itineraries and short story things for why they must visit said places. I have been all over Italy and France, so the research was simple because I already knew all the tourist destinations. My favourite one to research was Croatia, because ever since watching all 15 seasons of ER I had fallen in love with John Carter and Luka Kovac (he made Croatia sexy). Now I want to visit Croatia.

As I was saying, this job is awesome because as my boss calls it; all I have to do is creative writing. It is awesome. It doesn’t even feel like work. I am getting paid slave wages though, which is going to get me nowhere. I’m just going to pray that my trilogy sells millions.

The Web Design man came downstairs today and was shocked at how warm our room was (it’s usually freezing). He then went to find the source of the heat and he found the radiator. He then pressed himself agains the radiator and said “This is like a Nuclear reactor!”

I was the only one who chuckled.

Business Swag

Last week (I keep forgetting to update, as you can tell my the massive gap in the year) I had a job interview, this is for my placement part of the Apprenticeship. Now this is a good thing, except I got told on Monday. The interview was the next day and to be honest I had never heard of this company before in my entire life. 

I thought I was being put down for Web Dev, pretty much the same as everyone else minus the weird programmer and IT Techos. I then got told that it was a Marketing placement, they put me forward because of my great English grades. 

I had a practice interview which in truth went SHOCKINGLY…I completely fudged it up and the welsh man was majorly intimidating. I think I scored the worst out of the entire group of 12 people. 

That evening I skipped Tai Chi and spent the night researching the company, I hardly slept. I made a portfolio of my work, this included: a crap website made in year 10, a travel brochure thing and my AS English coursework (It was my entertain piece, I needed all the help I could get)

I got there 20 minutes early and loitered on the street corner until it was ten minutes until my interview time. I was bricking it. This company is a travel company, it provides luxury travel tours for the UK and Ireland. One of the ‘packages’ is that you can drive around England in a flash car (Rolls Royce, I think?). Anyway, I got taken into this room with a long table, jug of water and glasses. I felt like I was in a TV show…

I ended up being interviewed by two women, one who looked like Susan Boyle (I kept on wondering if she could sing) and some foreign lady with a funny accent. I could hardly understand a word she was saying.

Thankfully I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself, I think it went quite well. I managed to get a few laughs. The stress of it all was made much worse because I was the first person in the group to get an interview and it was only the second week of the course. It was like twenty questions when I got back to college and continued with my day. 

Susan Boyle lady told me that she would let me know during the week whether I got the place or not, they kept my work which I wasn’t sure was a good thing or not. 

Later in the day welsh man took me aside to the LMPQ office and asked whether I thought it had gone well or not. I said vague stuff like ‘I guess it went okay….’ and ‘It was alright…’ He then told me that he had been in touch with the company. At this point I had stopped breathing. He proceeded to tell me: ‘I’ve got some bad news…’ *my heart sank through the floor* ‘…you don’t start until January.’

I was really confused and everyone else in the office began laughing and saying ‘look at her poor face!’ I was still confused. Eventually I clicked and when I left the office I did a little victory dance down the stairs. I then had to break the news to the class. It was so embarrassing having everyone’s attention on me. I wanted to go crawl under a rock.

Not, tooting my own horn or anything but I was up against six other people for the placement, and I was their first interviewee of the day. I obviously charmed them somehow. 

 

For the love of God.

All I feel like doing right about know is venting, that is why you are getting it. Why? I’ll tell you why. Teen angst and shizzle. It all started on Sunday when the mother told me to get her bag, from her car. I hate it when parents do that, as if they have all the control and treat you like little slaves. I could be selfish but I don’t like how they expect you to do stuff ‘just cos’. I refused (you might be shouting spoiled brat around about now) and so the mother sent the sister. I don’t know why she couldn’t go, its not like her legs had stopped working. The mother then said that she wouldn’t do anything for me this week.

So when I asked her today if she could give me a lift home from work, she said no. Despite the fact that she finishes work at the same time as me. So I thought, fair enough, whatever. She said no because I hadn’t got her bag (its honestly quite petty).

All morning on the drive into town she kept on repeating: “I won’t give you a lift home because you didn’t get my bag and I have to be on the road to Oxford as soon as possible.”

This evening I finished an hour early, I was tempted to ring the mother and ask if I could have a lift home. I thought against it just because I knew I would get an earful about being a spoilt brat who is selfish (I don’t think I am….I hope not). Anyway, I get on the bus, half an hour into the bus ride home I get a text from the mother saying she can give me a lift home if I got to her office sharpish. I wanted to scream and punch the window. This is typical. I hate it.

I did see a really hot guy on the bus, he looked a bit like Brendan Urie crossed with my old math teacher. Just dark haired, chiseled jaw, light stubble…*sighs dreamily*

An Apprentice Review

I failed my AS-Levels, mainly due to moving countries and the stress of it all. Anyway, I won’t go into that because it just gets messy. In short, we moved countries, shit got weird, and then we moved back. So, technically I’m still a god damned foreigner.

I started an apprenticeship because I couldn’t get back into Sixth Form even though I technically passed. I didn’t want to go down a year, that would just be a waste of time. Instead I opted to start an ICT apprenticeship. I had the induction day yesterday.

The Review:

  • They were all Chavs.
  • I was the only girl.
  • One guy has an embryotic baby.
  • The guy with the baby is aged between 16-18.
  • There is a Scottish guy who sounds American.
  • I’m the only girl…did I mention that?
  • We practiced hand shakes.
  • Most of them have 5 GCSE’s at a grade C. It makes me look like a GOD. HELL YESS!!!
  • One guy looked incredibly shocked when I said  I had AS-Levels.
  • The fat blonde guy started a brick laying apprenticeship but got bored. I wonder why…
  • One guy thought he was dead hot in a suit and kept on sending selfies to his girlfriend.
  • One guy was moaning about how his girlfriend broke up with him and turned all his mates against him. At that point I imagined saying “The power of Women” and smiling like ‘Oh yeah, we’re that awesome’ . In actual fact I said it and did a weird grimace. It was the one time in my entire life where I actually said the awesome remark without just imagining it.
  • I keep on getting picked on to answer questions because I’m the only girl.
  • I managed to let it slip that I am in fact from New Zealand.
  • I actually talked to some of the guys (three of them).
  • I never talk to guys, win for me!
  • Some of the guys were exchanging stories on how to skip buying tickets on the train.
  • I took the bus home.

I hope to god they never find this…