People Profiles

Here is a run down of the people who were at the same company as me.

Belgium Dude: my BFF4L is back in Belgiumland with a job and just being awesome. We did have a 3 hour facetime call last week and had a massive catch up. He’s off to CUBA in the summer (toatz jelly). UPDATE: he is coming to see me in Spain.

Portuguese Dude: my partner in crime. Currently on the same apprenticeship scheme as me, possibly gay, does a brilliant illegal Portuguese maid impression. Amazing one liners.

Nice Portuguese Sales Lady: she had been at the company for 15 years and could either be nice or horrible. She was mostly nice to me. (thank god!)

Horrible Portuguese Sales Lady: never nice, horrible to everyone, randomly grabs your shoulders, possible murderer, hums coronation theme tune.

Smelly/Dandruff IT Dude: never used deodorant, ever. Also his seat was covered in a layer of dandruff, long nails.

No chin Lady: worked in contracting, lookalike – Edna from the Incredibles, no chin just a neck, 9.5 years service, hit by a moped in first year at company, good american accent.

Dave: real name not Dave, was called it in an email, apparently knows everything, lookalike – Penfold.

Data Dudette: other friend, 24, been at the company since school, learning to drive, no qualifications.

My Manager: hungarian, short, some stuff lost in translation, generally cool.

HR: susan boyle lookalike, yelled at me (need a whole post dedicated to that),horrible.

Tiny M: IT apprentice, weird, was fired.

IT apprentice replacement: generally ok.

GM: general manager, fired, man boobs, needs a bra.

C-lady: other friend, loud, nice, large.

Shoulder: her last name reminded me of shoulder, too much make up, eyebrows drawn on.

Russian lady: epic, slightly scary, ex-nuclear physicist, likes me.

Accounts Lday: horrible, half giant, horrible

Accounts Ledger: fired, weird, no friends, like an old obnoxious lady in a 20 year old’s head, engaged, was at my high school.

Accounts Apprentice 1: gay, nice, at my high school (year above me)

Accounts Apprentice 2: girlfriend went to my high school, crazy as fudge blue eyes.

Accounts Interim: dude was a  bit weird.

Accounts Senior: horrible.

Head Dude: gross nose hair, random cough, thinks social media sucks, stuck in the 70’s.

Redundancy at its finest

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I have been working at this un-named company for a year now. (I know that is such a long time!) It feels like only yesterday was my first day, where I would eat my lunch at my desk and be antisocial in general. On Friday I was made redundant. Literally everyone was made redundant. The company went kaput and got bought out by the biggest competitor.

My contract officially ended in January and I kept on talking to my Manager and HR about what was happening. I hadn’t had my months notice about them getting rid of me, hell, I hadn’t even been told they were keeping me on. For a month I was floating around in limbo. I was constantly sending emails, asking to have a meeting, anything to find out what was happening. I just kept on turning up every day. That was probably a mistake on my side. I should of just staged a revolution, stolen the computer and walked out.

It wasn’t until Friday when the whole company (40 odd people) were sat down in the big main office area for a big “talk”.The head of the company then proceeded to tell us that he had sold the company, he was retiring in 1 on his 3 mansions, and we were all jobless. Pretty much everyone was crying. I wasn’t. I sort of expected it. I felt so sorry for the people with mortgages, children and the ones who had been there 20 odd years.

I went and cleared my desk in record speed. I pretty much threw absolutely everything in the bin. It was actually quite fun. Tearing up paper throwing it around, not caring that I had left a yoghurt in the fridge to go mouldy. I emptied my snack drawer (I had a surprisingly large amount of food, two Tesco bag’s to be exact) and snuck down to the basement. Once I was in said basement, I may or may not have stolen a handful of USB’s and shoved them up my jumper sleeve.

Portuguese Dude (aka my partner in crime) was absolutely livid, he was tearing up paper like he was ripping off someone’s head. It was quite gruesome. He had one week to finish his apprenticeship (the same one as me, except I finished a month ago) and it was one week until payday. We had some talk from some fat redundancy lawyer who basically said you will only get paid a weeks worth of wages, if at all.

I then went into the main office and braved the possibility of infectious diseases and hugged some people I never thought I would. I admit I didn’t mind hugging my friends and it was slightly weird when Accounts dude embraced me but it wasn’t as bad as when the Head Dude of the company cornered me. I was planning my escape, laden down with three plants (one stolen from my little office, one I got around Christmas time and one gifted by the lovely Portuguese Sales Lady – not the horrible one), two bags of food, my backpack stuffed with stationary from the stationary cupboard, another plastic bag filled with CV’s and knitting patterns which I had been printing off since 9am that morning (free ink, why not?) and my sleeves filled with branded USB’s.  He got up close and wrapped his arms around me, after I tried ducking around him twice trying to get out of the door.

When he finally released me and said “Good luck” I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD towards the bus stop. (I managed to get the earlyish one home) I got pity stares from an old lady on the bus. It was quite obvious I had been made to clear out my desk. It got worse though because I was taking up two seats with all of my crap and then this disabled woman got on. To my great horror I realised I was in the seat where if a disabled person gets on you have to vacate said seat. I was panicking and clutching my various bags. Luckily the bus was empty and she went a few rows behind me but not after death staring me.

bus stop life

bus stop life

It hasn’t really sunk in yet that I don’t have a job, it feels like this past year hasn’t really happened.

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Portuguese Dude leaving rude images while I’m out at lunch

That escalated unexpectedly quickly

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So some shit went down two weeks ago, I came in Monday to work and everything was fine. Ed was happy. (He was the market executive who looked like Francis off Made in Chelsea, but with a broken nose)

I then had my two days at college and then walked into work on Thursday to find out that Ed had quit with immediate effect the other say. He apparently didn’t even come back into the office for his £900 headphones.

This now leaves two people on the marketing team, me and my manager. My manager then spent the rest of the week interviewing for another apprentice. (Gonna have some competition)

Then it went bonkers on Friday because they interviewed Portuguese dude and they liked him, but he turned 19 on the sunday and the cut off for apprenticeships are 18. He is with the same apprentice company as me (he’s on cohort 4, I’m cohort 3) so one of the men came running down to do all the paperwork before the end of the day.

On Monday Portuguese dude started, he’s alright I guess. He went out at lunch and when he came back he was wearing a nose septum nose piercing. He was talking to me but all I could look at was this nose piercing, it was horrific.

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Luckily he took it out because its not part of the business wear code. He is a bit annoying because he keeps on asking me what to do and I don’t know because I’m doing different work.

Next weekend its possible that I’m going to Liverpool for the day with Belgium dude and we’re going to see the Beatle stuff. Despite it being a 3 hr train ride there and back. Its gonna be epic.

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An Apprentice Review

I failed my AS-Levels, mainly due to moving countries and the stress of it all. Anyway, I won’t go into that because it just gets messy. In short, we moved countries, shit got weird, and then we moved back. So, technically I’m still a god damned foreigner.

I started an apprenticeship because I couldn’t get back into Sixth Form even though I technically passed. I didn’t want to go down a year, that would just be a waste of time. Instead I opted to start an ICT apprenticeship. I had the induction day yesterday.

The Review:

  • They were all Chavs.
  • I was the only girl.
  • One guy has an embryotic baby.
  • The guy with the baby is aged between 16-18.
  • There is a Scottish guy who sounds American.
  • I’m the only girl…did I mention that?
  • We practiced hand shakes.
  • Most of them have 5 GCSE’s at a grade C. It makes me look like a GOD. HELL YESS!!!
  • One guy looked incredibly shocked when I said  I had AS-Levels.
  • The fat blonde guy started a brick laying apprenticeship but got bored. I wonder why…
  • One guy thought he was dead hot in a suit and kept on sending selfies to his girlfriend.
  • One guy was moaning about how his girlfriend broke up with him and turned all his mates against him. At that point I imagined saying “The power of Women” and smiling like ‘Oh yeah, we’re that awesome’ . In actual fact I said it and did a weird grimace. It was the one time in my entire life where I actually said the awesome remark without just imagining it.
  • I keep on getting picked on to answer questions because I’m the only girl.
  • I managed to let it slip that I am in fact from New Zealand.
  • I actually talked to some of the guys (three of them).
  • I never talk to guys, win for me!
  • Some of the guys were exchanging stories on how to skip buying tickets on the train.
  • I took the bus home.

I hope to god they never find this…