Au Pair Fail

After IMG_2539working at the Plant Place for four months I decided to up root and Au Pair in Spain. It was a great idea in theory, summer in the sun, money, travel, nice family. My sister obviously Au Paired in Paris and had a lovely family even if the kids were little shite’s. I had found a nice looking family and I was all set to go.

I hopped on the plane and in two hours I was in Madrid. I was greeted by my Spanish mum and ridiculously hot weather in comparison to England. I practically stripped in the middle of the parking lot. The Spanish Mother who I will name R spoke very little English. This was one lie of many which she had posted on her profile. She said I didn’t need Spanish because apparently she was fluent. LIES.

MIMG_3152y first afternoon/evening in Spain was pretty awkward. I awkwardly greeted the kids and the Grandma. I had an awkward lunch. I even had to join R and kids to E (older kid’s) birthday party. I am naming said kids E and M. The party was pretty horrible, I wasn’t really told what to do. I ended up being stood on the side of the crowd. Everyone spoke Spanish and no one knew a word of English, or if the did they didn’t bother speaking to me. I was surrounded by so many people yet I have never felt so isolated before. I spent the evening trying not to burst into tears.

The following day I was packed into the family car and driven four hours from a suburb of Madrid down to Cordoba. A city we explored at midnight, the heat still rolling around us. It was in the high forties even at the latest hour of the night. I saw the lit up walls of the Mosque and chased geckos with my eyes. It was exciting exploring a new city with new people.

That night I partially boiled in a room shared with the family. M snored ALL night. I hardly slept. The next day we continued to Fuengirola, a tacky coastal city. It was basically the Inbetweeners movie. Sex, Clubs and Booze. I havIMG_2693e never seen so many strip clubs in one place before. It was also at this place where I found out that the children didn’t have a bed time. What I didn’t know that first night was that for the rest of the week I would have to stay up until midnight entertaining the kids while R explored the city.

I spent the next week sat by the pool keeping an eye on the kids. I thought we would do some exploring in the area, maybe even go to Sevilla. But instead I was up at 8am and in bed by 1am. The hotel did provide free activities which I did really enjoy, such as archery, shooting, aqua gym and a game where you slid wooden disks into little point brackets.

I was homesick and when I received a text from my mother saying that IMG_3123she hoped I was having a good time. I felt like  breaking down. It was after the first two days when R started to get really horrible. For anything and everything she had a massive go at me. With her broken English she would go into rants and tell me off. On the drive back to Madrid I spent the majority of the six hour drive trying not to cry.

I thought that when we returned to the house and got into some form of routine that it would be okay. I thought that maybe R was just stressed and tired. But it didn’t get any better. Even when she was at work the Grandma was still in the house, she even had a go at me a few times. The children still didn’t seem to understand that I finished work at 4pm and would barge into my room near 10pm and expect me to play with them. I couldn’t get five minutes to myself.

But it was the way the children were raised which I couldn’t get my head around. They were eleven and eight, neither of them flushed the toilet, they refused to dress themselves, they didn’t brush their own hair, neither child had any respect IMG_2720for adults. I would tell them to do something, for their own safety and they would ignore me. They couldn’t control themselves in front of food. It was as if they had no stop function, they constantly stuffed food into their mouths every minute of every day.

When I finally managed to speak to my mother, I ended up blubbering about the whole situation. She told me to get on the next plane out of there. The next day I plucked up the courage to tell R. She seemed to take it okay, but then she asked me for the first week’s wages back. She said I didn’t do any work. I was completely taken back, but I gave her the money because I meant I could get away. My flight was booked for two days after I broke the news, it was expensive changing my flight but I wanted to be home.IMG_3219

From the minute I told R that I was leaving to the day I actually left, she completely ignored me. At dinner she spoke entirely in Spanish and didn’t even look at me. On the Saturday when the children were at their father’s I got up early and took the bus to the train station. I spent the day exploring Madrid, I walked for six hours in forty degree heat but I saw everything. What I forgot about was the Spanish siesta, everything at 2pm shut. So when I arrived back in the town where I was staying, I had to walk three miles back to the house, and it was ALL up hill because the buses had stopped running. When I reached the house I was literally drenched in sweat.IMG_2702

That evening R took the children out for dinner, she didn’t even tell me. I was just suddenly aware that I was alone in the house. A similar thing happened the Friday after I told R I was leaving. After lunch the children went to their father’s, I only found out because when I exited the bathroom the kids were gone and I managed to get the word “Padre” out of the Grandma. I went to the office/my room and watched a few episodes of White Collar. When I next surfaced to get a drink, the Grandma had disappeared and had been replaced by a cleaner who didn’t speaking English. I almost had a heart attack.

I didn’t say goodbye to the family, because when they returned from their evening outing it was near 1am and I was asleep. I did wake up IMG_3022when they slammed the front door but I just rolled over. I was awake at 4am and sat for an hour and a half until the taxi arrived. I knew R was awake when I left because I could hear her wandering around upstairs. I had a text from her at 1am which told me to leave the house keys on the dinner table, nothing else.

I escaped in the dark hours of the morning without saying goodbye. I have never been so happy to get away.

The taxi driver didn’t speak English but he did get me to the airport really quickly. He swerved across lanes and took bends at a lean on the empty motorway. There were moments where I thought I might die.

IMG_3090Landing in England was a bit hairy, the plane wing on the left almost hit the ground before the wheels. I was tensing myself for the crash position. Luckily the pilot knew what he was doing and managed to save us all. To be fair I think I was the only who noticed the near death situation. It was cold when I stepped off the plane and onto the tarmac. It was lovely. It was maybe twelve degrees but compared to the forty I had been sweating in for the past few weeks it felt like bliss.

The next day after arriving back in England I returned to my old job. As soon as it went south I emailed my manager and he  replied within an hour saying he would be happy to have me back. It feels as if I never left.



We went for a walk at the weekend. A very log one in the middle of nowhere on the border with Wales. Despite the grey skies it was sunny for the whole walk, it just seemed to become overcast as I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. I did almost get eaten alive but luckily my lightening fast reflexes meant I was able to swat it off before my body was sucked of blood.



People Profiles

Here is a run down of the people who were at the same company as me.

Belgium Dude: my BFF4L is back in Belgiumland with a job and just being awesome. We did have a 3 hour facetime call last week and had a massive catch up. He’s off to CUBA in the summer (toatz jelly). UPDATE: he is coming to see me in Spain.

Portuguese Dude: my partner in crime. Currently on the same apprenticeship scheme as me, possibly gay, does a brilliant illegal Portuguese maid impression. Amazing one liners.

Nice Portuguese Sales Lady: she had been at the company for 15 years and could either be nice or horrible. She was mostly nice to me. (thank god!)

Horrible Portuguese Sales Lady: never nice, horrible to everyone, randomly grabs your shoulders, possible murderer, hums coronation theme tune.

Smelly/Dandruff IT Dude: never used deodorant, ever. Also his seat was covered in a layer of dandruff, long nails.

No chin Lady: worked in contracting, lookalike – Edna from the Incredibles, no chin just a neck, 9.5 years service, hit by a moped in first year at company, good american accent.

Dave: real name not Dave, was called it in an email, apparently knows everything, lookalike – Penfold.

Data Dudette: other friend, 24, been at the company since school, learning to drive, no qualifications.

My Manager: hungarian, short, some stuff lost in translation, generally cool.

HR: susan boyle lookalike, yelled at me (need a whole post dedicated to that),horrible.

Tiny M: IT apprentice, weird, was fired.

IT apprentice replacement: generally ok.

GM: general manager, fired, man boobs, needs a bra.

C-lady: other friend, loud, nice, large.

Shoulder: her last name reminded me of shoulder, too much make up, eyebrows drawn on.

Russian lady: epic, slightly scary, ex-nuclear physicist, likes me.

Accounts Lday: horrible, half giant, horrible

Accounts Ledger: fired, weird, no friends, like an old obnoxious lady in a 20 year old’s head, engaged, was at my high school.

Accounts Apprentice 1: gay, nice, at my high school (year above me)

Accounts Apprentice 2: girlfriend went to my high school, crazy as fudge blue eyes.

Accounts Interim: dude was a  bit weird.

Accounts Senior: horrible.

Head Dude: gross nose hair, random cough, thinks social media sucks, stuck in the 70’s.

Skinny Ankles

I ended up getting the job at the plant place. It consists of waking up at 5.30am and finishing work at 3.30pm. I spend all day stood at my work station which is basically a little trolley which I move between the Liners (massive green houses). I have also been promoted in a sense as I now work on the potting mahcine aswell. I pot around 13,500 plants a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I then also have to put all potted plants down as well. That can be exhausting. But I can say I have become stronger. As long as I don’t reach body builder stage I am quite happy.

But there is a TaeKwondo master. He has two sleeves and one leg sleeve (trouser?) of tattoos. He has a koi karp hidden amongst his asian-esque tattoos. He is really tall and has weird biceps. But he as tiny ankles. Everyone at work takes the mick out of his tiny ankles.


“You would make a great swimmer, your ankles wouldn’t create drag.”

“Good thing she didn’t take it out on your ankles.”

“Captain Jack ankles of a Sparrow.”

We did talk about what we would have if we could have one bionic body part. (Yes, the manager joined this discussion too). One woman said bionic boobs to shoot lasers, I said bionic eyes (laser shooting, x-ray, etc) where as tiny ankles dude said he wanted bionic ankles.

Liner 1 IMG_0300

Au Pair

I have been unemployed for exactly a month, to this day! I have spent my days applying for jobs, napping, gym and eating. I have applied to University and I have two conditional offers based on whether or not I pass my ICT BTec (still waiting on results). I have received one Uni rejection because the course I wanted to get onto was full.

But I had a brilliant idea a few weeks ago. I thought, why not Au Pair? Like my sister did? So I set about googling Au Pairing and found (the site my sister used) I also looked at I admit aupairworld looked a lot more non-dodgy.

I went online and applied to every family I could. I started off with the idea of only applying to American families, that way it would be an ok way to see the USA. However, I didn’t think about the cost of flights, visa’s, and the short amount of time. The next day I applied to everyone in Europe. I chose Russia, Spain and Germany. Three places where I speak the basics of the language. I also applied to families in Scandinavia (I am obsessed with all things Scandinavian since the Norwegian holiday of 2011 – RIP)

Literally overnight I had around twelve respnses from at least 16 people (14 from Spain, 2 from Germany). I started from the bottom and worked my way up. The first family looked nice, one child (yes!) and 4 hours from San Sebastian. I was about to reply when I realised, hell, flights from here to there would be awkward. Along with 4+ hours in the car travelling. I politely declined the request. I then went to the next family, it was a single mother, two daughters who live 30 mins by car from Madrid.

I got into contact with her and within a day she wished to Skype (my profile was epic). I ended up skyping them and they were lovely. The daughters are 10 and 7 which is great! No nappies! They also have 4 cats and a gerbil. After the skype call the mother said she was happy with me. I said the same. I booked my flights within an hour.

The skype chat was kind of awkward because the mother didn’t know much English and my Spanish was a bit rusty. I haven’t spoken it since school.

There were only one set of flights which flew direct from Brimingham, everything else went through Paris, Amsterdam or Zurich. The only one flight which flew direct was with Norwegian Air. I thought that was a bit weird, but I flew with them Oslo – Kirkenes and I didn’t die so I just went ahead with the booking. It also helps that they were also under £200 because all the ones with changes in other countries were £300+.

It is all decided. I go to Madrid in June, and fly home in August. Three days before my best friend from New Zealand comes to visit! I then I have a few weeks before we jet off to Santorini and then Uni!

I don’t know how often I will post to here but I thought I will create a tumblr dedicated to my 2 months au pairing.

I also have a 3 day trial for a job next week. 7-3.30pm. It’s going to be….interesting.

Chop Chop


I don’t really know what came over me. Maybe it was the lack of employment and me being left to go crazy. But on Tuesday I got the bus into town (Yes, I was 45 minutes late because yes, the bus decided to not turn up) and got my hair cut. These last few years I have been trying to get my hair as long as possible. Mostly because I am still scarred for life from the bob cut of 2008.

But my hair was getting gross, it had at least four shades of dye on the ends from when I attempted to dye the ends red. So much for permanent, within a few months it was a weird ginger colour. Anyway I went to this creepy looking hairdressers and told the woman to just chop it all off. I was expecting an awesome volumized bob per Phoebe Tonkin. I did get a bob, but it was not in any way shape or form volumized and it just sticks out awkwardly.

I am currently still partial to it. I go from loving it one minute (hair brushing/washing is so easy) to hating it (all my hair is gone!).